حنين♥

sometimes i find myself wanting to hoard my love and give it away all at once. i have this huge capacity to love and be loved by everyone; but at times, i find myself “rationing” out my love if i find people aren’t “deserving” of it. like, if i see someone isn’t returning the love in the same capacity, i’ll lower the love i give out to them - if that makes sense. I’ll do this by lowering my efforts in communicating with them or inviting them out and i won’t feel like i need to be as involved or supportive in their endeavors. I also find myself being that way with alot of things in my life. take a shallow thing like instagram for example. i post everything from pictures of my self-shoots to my vegetarian food to my natural hair stuff to my shoots with friends. i don’t think twice about it. but then i’ll randomly find a picture i’ve taken on Facebook with a hundred notes or comments with no source back to me and it will make me slightly angry. so, it’ll immediately make me want to put my IG on private and “hoard” my pictures for people who “deserve” to see them (ie follow me). and it’s my ego. this is all ego. it’s human nature to want to be acknowledged for what we do or the love we give. i am open. i love to love, i love to use my gifts and i love to support people and be inspired by them. i’m trying really hard to not let my ego block my love outflow, but being wise enough to give limitless love without letting someone take advantage of it. i’m learning that love and art are very much one in the same. love is art. both love and art, although you may be the creator and owner of it, ultimately gets interpreted by someone other than yourself. once love or artwork leaves you - it is no longer yours. you have leaked your love out into the universe, you have given your talents back to the world to get interpreted, left, destroyed, molded, passed on, reciprocated by someone else. my ego expects people to either give as much as they get or to let you know that they can’t; to give credit where it’s due, or leave it in the sphere it’s in. it wants people to have as much integrity and loyalty as i hold. but it doesn’t work like that. you can’t will people into anything. so, i try to remember that everyone deserves love without barriers. it makes me happy to love. it makes me happy to create. it makes me happy that people appreciate me in any capacity. and the benefits of this love always far outweigh the disappointments my ego creates.