my father was just diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. i’m not sure how bad it is…
but i feel nothing.
when i tell you i feel nothing, i feel nothing. no sadness, no anger, no sympathy…actually, i lied, i feel guilt. i feel guilty for not feeling anything. i’m not sure if it’s a degree of mental numbness or just being at the point where i know i can’t care too much. My Dad and I’s story is a sordid tale that i am sure i will dive back into over the life of this blog. i love him, but when alcoholism is the cornerstone of someone’s life, it’s hard to seperate them from their disease and it affects your life indirectly. it’s like i’ve spent my whole existence preparing for this moment when i see it manifest in a way more physical and violent than the normal anger bouts, drunken stupors and broken friendships/relationships. And then there it was - perfectly x-rayed and held up to a light for everyone to see. cirrhosis.
instinctively, i already knew, so i am not surprised. How i am taking it now is, “okay its there, we know it’s there, what does he need to do to control it and how can we stop his addiction.”
but my dad is 54. if love, pleas and cries haven’t stopped his drinking yet, i doubt cirrhosis will. and that’s the scariest part.
my dashboard teeters between posts of horror and posts of “light”. I see things that encompass the tragedy surrounding Africa, Egypt, and Norway sandwiched between fashion girls with $1000 t-shirts on and shoes you’d never really wear out in public. the juxtaposition makes me uneasy at times. it’s a reflection. of us. of our culture. on one hand i think - is this what we value? clothes that don’t even cover all of our stomach is worth as much as it would take to feed 30 people in Africa?! is this what we motherfuckin’ value!!?…but on the other hand, these are both things that i myself subscribe too willingly; And I think i am an above average conscientious person . i like knowing about what is going on in the world - i care - but i also like to see what is going on in fashion - however irrelevant it is because it’s something i enjoy. i guess what i am saying is - it feels kind of wrong to enjoy light-hearted and irrelevant things in the midst of so much going on in the world. But amongst it all, that’s how we keep our center when so much chaos is swirling around us. chaos we can’t control or comprehend. as long as i am aware and know that i am blessed with what i have, and as long as i use my gifts and blessings in ways that give back, i think it’s okay to indulge in a few materialistic things.
just booked a ticket home for the first week in August. i need a break. to think, recooperate, to figure out what i really want to do next. i keep distracting myself from realizing what my true goals are. i keep repeating that i am happy when i am really just satisfied; i keep saying “give it time” when i need to be saying “the time is NOW.” i keep suppressing needs and labeling them “wants.” i’ve noticed a pattern in my life. i get to the ledge, but i am always afraid to make the jump until there is someone or something that pushes me to do so. and even then i am still trying to push the force back instead of just taking the resolve to jump on my own. i only seem to take a leap of faith when i can do nothing else. i need to start making moves BEFORE i get to that point of desperation, before that cycle begins all over again. but i’ve been jumping blind into abysses for years now. it hasn’t been bad, but never as good as i wanted it to be. and it’s because i have been jumping out of desperation and quick decisions - never really having time or making time to decide what i need - or want.
i am approaching another ledge - and fast - hopefully this time, i have a solid plan. i’m not saying it’s going to be a “fix” for everything i’ve been yearning for, or that it’s going to come about quickly. but to have a plan and have something to guide me and stick to will hopefully yield more than satisfaction in all areas of my life. maybe even..a little happiness?
The belief that all human hopes are vain and unjustified.